Brokeness

I wish to dedicate this to my brother Mark Elliot Hewitt (September 10, 1953- April 2, 2006) who suffered with illness and was not healed here on this earth. I do believe now he stands before God healed and whole.

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.
Isaiah 43:2 (New King James Version)

In the spring of 2004 we were doing a series in Sunday school about prayer. Our teacher encouraged us to do something that is often frowned upon in Christianity. He said if we wanted to know “Why” about something that we could ask God. I took him up on this and I asked God why about some particular trails I went through the previous year. I prayed, however, that if God didn’t want to answer me that would be fine. God answered me the following Sunday when a missionary from Africa (Jim Horne) preached a sermon on “Brokenness”. One verse of many he used was from John 12:24 “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.” Also Isaiah 66: 2b “But on this one will I look: On him who is poor and of a contrite spirit, And who trembles at My word.” Also Psalm 51:17 says, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, A broken and a contrite heart-- These, O God, You will not despise.”

In 2003 God had to do something to “get my attention”. He let me fall flat on my face. I finally woke up to the fact that I was rebellious and angry. It started because of this house we now live in. My husband, Bob wanted to build a house and me, being the impatient one wanted a bigger house that was already done, landscaped etc. We started the house in 1999 and we moved in in 2001, not because it was finished but because it was “done enough to move into”. It took more money than we thought and much more of Bob’s time than we had thought. During building time we started to have checks bounce. I, having always managed the money stopped balancing the check book! I had previously been very meticulous about it, having to balance the statement with my checkbook every month. I was so fed up with our “rubber checks” that I abandoned it all. So along with the burden of “the house” Bob had to pay the bills and the checkbook just became “nonexistent”. I was still home schooling three of my four children; Sarah, Teddy & Ian. Claire was only four and not doing much “school work” yet.

I began writing in 2000 and I also became pregnant with Lydia. I was thinking “Now he has to finish the house before the baby comes”. Lydia was six months old when we moved in. When she was just a couple of months old I was writing like a maniac. Looking back, I know what I wrote was good, but my motivation was all wrong. I was also “sharing” my writing with everyone who would read it (and some who didn’t!). Now, I wish I had kept most of those thoughts to myself. I was writing, doing “my own thing” because the house wasn’t done. Bob was still doing what I called “his own thing” (working on the house). More and more of my responsibilities (like the check book) were just tossed aside: grading schoolwork, cleaning the house (we had cleaning people and the house was still a mess!) etc. I cooked still, occasionally. Early in my pregnancy I was very ill.

In the fall of 2002 I was depressed, my brother, Paul (Mark died 4 years later) had died in August and winter often depressed me anyways. For Christmas Bob gave me my website to share my writing and I had a page dedicated to Paul, it was healing for me. It also started me on an “up” swing. I wrote an article about my call to Christian writing. This article; I Love to Tell the Story was going to be in the April His Voice (a local Christian newspaper) with my website at the bottom! I was excited about that! “Boy”, I thought, “That will show those people at our old church. ” Little did I realize that, “those people” were the very ones God wanted me to apologize to! In early 2003 I was noticing the signs of “mania”. These are: not sleeping enough, being easily agitated, going off in all directions (for me writing) etc. The mania can also become so bad that you have “delusions” where you are out of touch with reality. Bipolar Disorder is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. I could no longer ignore it or deny it. If I tried my behavior gave it away. I went to the doctor in late March and was diagnosed Bipolar. I started immediately on medication.

Some people (I call them “Pharisees”) think Christians shouldn’t be on antidepressants. I had even questioned it myself in the past. I am a former “Pharisee”. However, there are many instances in the Bible where God healed yet also used “medication”, such as “a cake of figs” (Isa. 38:21), mud applied to the eyes (John 9:6) or washing in a pool (2 Kings 5:10) etc. My pastor said people like me are similar to diabetics who need to be on insulin. I am grateful we have a supportive pastor and not a judgmental one. Recently I found another great old book! This one by E. Stanley Jones, called Abundant Living. In the preface Jones lists 8 ways that God heals. Number 1 is by medicine (2) by surgery (3) nutrition….(7) by God’s Spirit and (8) by the resurrection. Jones goes on to state: Some ailments may have to wait for that final curing, the resurrection, for we live in a mortal world where the body is bound to break down sometime. This is a balanced approach. My sister-in-law has been healed from her diabetes by nutrition and I have been healed from my Bipolar by medicine.

My diagnoses brought me down. Although, I had been noticing these “signs” I had hopes that God would heal me without the use of medication. Bipolar is different from depression in that you cycle out of “high” moods and “low” ones, with normal times in between. With me, it (mania) often exhibited itself in general displeasure with everything; esp. your spouse and people in authority. The depression, thank God, not ever extreme, was less noticeable. Being brought down, though (my worst depression to date), caused me to examine MYSELF, instead of all those around me. I wrote those apologies, that I wouldn’t have written when I was in denial and not aware or sorry about the people I had hurt when manic. But in these apologies, per Bob’s good advice, I didn’t mention Bipolar because it was SIN, plain and simple, no excuses. Before those apologies I had apologized to Bob also.

My sister-in-law came to visit with my niece and nephew, not long after my diagnoses and she was a support and encouragement to me. Slowly, I started to get organized again. I took over the finances in 2004 and started the checkbook again on the computer. I balance it every day, now and do much of our banking online. Also in 2004 my friend, Michelle told me about Flylady. Flylady offers tips and helps motivate people to get organized. There are also many helpful money tips at Crown Financial Ministries and Dave Ramsey’s websites.

I read a book about Bipolar called, “An Unquiet Mind” by Kay Redfield Jamison. Jamison is Professor of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and is also Bipolar. This was good for me to read because she stresses the importance of staying on your medication, although she herself did not want to take it at first. This book also made me thankful for my family (she has no children) and my less severe “episodes” as hers were far more severe than mine have been. Bob has also been wonderful and says I am stuck with him “come what may” Jamison lost her first marriage due to her illness. Even though there is a stigma attached to this mental illness, I am finding I feel much better to just be open and honest about it. I’m finding there are more people like me out there than I originally thought. So many have said “I’m on an antidepressant also” or “I have an anxiety disorder” etc. By a strange Providence a good friend of mine was diagnosed bipolar also just two and a half months after me. So I have been able to “comfort (her) with the same comfort I have been comforted with.” (II Cor. 1:4.)

As I began writing this some things occurred that made me think about “failure” and “being saved”. My oldest daughter, Sarah and I were on North Houston road coming home from her doctor’s appointment. I saw a little black puff of fur in the road, I thought “more road kill, so sad!” But…it was moving! It was alive! The car behind us was about to hit it; I covered my eyes (Sarah was driving). The lady in the car stopped before hitting it, we pulled over and stopped, a guy going the other way stopped. I went over there. “It” was a kitten! It had crawled up in this lady’s tire when she stopped, the guy pulled it out and handed it to me and it bit me, my finger started bleeding, he said “I can’t keep it, my mom would kill me” The lady had a little girl in the back seat, who, of course wanted it, but she was allergic, so we took him home. Teddy said “I was just thinking, I wanted a kitten and God brought me one” He named him Darth Vader. We had just seen Star Wars III- Revenge of the Sith. Our other six cats were less than thrilled. I like to name our animals after “the good guys” . The first three cats were named after Bible characters: Gideon, Samson and Jehosophat. We thought about many names from various books and movies. He’s all black, with kinda over sized ears. He looks like a bat, so the name Bruce, for Bruce Wayne A.K.A Batman came to my mind. We hadn’t seen that prequel yet. Bob and I went to see it last night. I started calling the kitten “Brucey” for awhile. Bruce Wayne stands for right and yet he’s human, he almost kills his parent’s murderer yet someone else does it before he can. The bad guys destroy his house and are about to destroy Gotham City and he says to Alfred “I’ve failed” and Alfred replies with the words Bruce’s father had said to him when he was little, “Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up” I believe my Heavenly Father said, “Why did you fall, Susan? So you would learn to lean on Me, for I will pick you up.”

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.”

Psalm 40:2 (NIV)
Why Me?
As Kay said, “which of the me’s is me?”
Am I the impulsive, excited one?
Or am I the depressed, quiet one?
Why can’t I just be normal?
Perhaps that is just a setting on my dryer.
When I’m high, I think everyone loves me,
When I’m low, I think everyone hates me.
Always, I know God loves me and that sustains me.
This is the fire I have to go through.

But He promises I won’t be burned
There’s always a reason for it all
Nothing is wasted, nothing at all.

From The April 1st, 2005 “Our Daily Bread”
M. R. De Han, M.D, wrote this.
Few unbroken lives in this world are useful to God. Few men and women can fulfill their hopes and plans without some interruption and disappointment along the way. But man's disappointments are often God's appointments, and the things we believe are tragedies may be the very opportunities through which God chooses to exhibit His love and grace. We have but to follow these lives to the end to see that people who have been broken become better and more effective Christians than if they had carried out all their own plans and purposes.

Some Books that I liked about BiPolar Disorder:
An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison
Touched with Fire: Manic-Depressive Illness and the Artistic Temperate also by Jamison
A Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic-Depressive Illness by Patty Duke and Gloria Hochman

If you’d like more information on Bipolar, check out:
BP Magazine:
National Institute of Mental Health:
Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance:
Pendulum:

© copyright Susan E. Story 2000-2003